Living in Spite House/ How Many Times? given 9/14/14

Living in Spite House

A number of years ago I read the story of a millionaire who somehow acquired a lot in a very exclusive neighborhood in one of our cities.  The lot presented something of a unique problem. It was only a couple of yards wide, but nearly a hundred feet long. What do you do with a piece of property so oddly shaped? The obvious thing of course, is to sell it to one or the other of the neighbors on either side. So the man approached the neighbor on the East, asking if he was interested in buying. The neighbor said,

          "Well, only as a favor." Then he offered a ridiculously low price.

          "That's not even a tenth of it's worth!" cried the owner, and after some harsh words, offered the lot to the neighbor on the West.

          She, however, only upped the offer by a couple of hundred dollars.

          "Look," she said smugly, "I've got you over a barrel. You can't sell that lot to anybody else, and you can't build on it. There's my offer, take it or leave it."

          Beside himself with rage, the owner of the lot went to the office of the most expensive architect in town. He had her design one of the strangest houses ever built. When it was completed, it was only five feet wide. It ran the entire ninety-odd feet of the length of the property.  You can imagine the inside of the house was nothing more than a row of tiny rooms, each one barely wide enough for a single piece of furniture.

          The neighbors of course, complained to the city. They claimed that this bizarre structure was a blight on the neighborhood and decreased the value of their expensive  homes. But the city building inspectors could find absolutely nothing in the building code that would allow them to disallow the house.

          When it was finished, the millionaire proceeded to move into this uncomfortable and impractical house. Believe it or not, he lived there for the rest of his life! The house was nicknamed "Spite House" in the neighborhood. And it's supposed to still be standing-- a monument to human hate and anger.

                    Do you think he was happy living there?

                    Do you think his neighbors were happy?

                    Who do you think was more unhappy?

         

F.A.S.T.

          "And Peter asked Jesus, 'How many times must I forgive someone who has wronged me? As many as seven times?' And Jesus replied,

          'Not seven, I tell you, but as many as seventy times seven.'"

          I wonder how seriously most of us take our Lord's teaching. Many people in this world act as if they’ve never heard those words. Far too many people are living out their lives inside Spite House.

          "Lord, how many times must I forgive?"  Unhappy marriages certainly produce a great number of Spite Houses. Even after a divorce, many couples still can't let go of their bitterness. They may marry someone else, start a new family, but they still stay angry at that previous spouse. One of the most devastating jibes I've ever heard was when the late Congresswoman Pat Schroeder characterized one of her political adversaries as being the kind of guy who reminds most women of their first husband.

          One study showed that forty-one percent of divorced, remarried women are still angry at their ex-husband as long as a decade later. Thirty-one percent of men felt the same way.

          But bitter rivalry and angry grudge-keeping aren’t found only in the relationship of marriage. Rancor and resentment can flourish in classrooms and schoolyards, factories and offices, even in churches. Some people would say especially in churches.

          And that’s all too true. Paul devotes half of I Corinthians 1 to chastising that congregation for breaking up into a bunch of competitive cliques. In Philippians 4, he pleads with Euodia and Synthche--- two feuding church ladies-- to make peace with one another and directs their pastor to offer mediation between these two squabbling pillars of the  local congregation. How would any of us feel if we only got our name in the Bible because we were in a church fight?

          Some professors of Church Administration like to compare the small church to a family. Some members of some small churches really do feel that way. And there are many similarities. But, just as there are dysfunctional families, there are also dysfunctional congregations.  A colleague  of mine used to describe the small church she pastored as holding full-body contact Administrative Board meetings.  

           Even blood related families are not immune to the destructive power of malice and acrimony. You and I have all seen families-- sisters and brothers who carry on childhood patterns of sibling rivalry and one-upmanship into adulthood-- even to old age.  All too often it comes out in disagreements around Mom and Dad’s estate.  And is there anything sadder than an adult child who has been estranged from his or her parents for years-- even decades?

          A tremendous number of us are living in Spite House. How do we learn to let go? How can we keep our anger and our resentment--however justified-- from destroying us? How can we learn to make peace with others-- and make peace with our own selves? Forgive, Accept, Surrender, Thanksgiving-- it's an on-going spiritual process, not just a single emotional act. Some people say that “to understand is to forgive”. Personally I would rather call it a good start.

          When Simon Peter asked Jesus how many times he was supposed to forgive, he was asking for all of us as well. The question strikes to the heart of our lives. Shall I submit to the abuse of someone else in order to maintain a relationship? Keep my job? Get that contract? For how long?  How much do I have to take? Can I forgive and still walk away? How? FAST. Forgive, Accept, Surrender, Thanksgiving-- its the only way.

          And when someone has wronged me, why should I bother to forgive? Men and women have been asking that question for ever. And we are asking it today-- in North Korea, in Syria, in the Holy Land, in Afghanistan, in Irag and Iran, and even in our own cities, our own communities, our own families.

          Forgive seventy times seven, Jesus? That seems like too much. Most of us are ready enough to give someone the benefit of the doubt, or another chance, or even one last chance. That seems charitable enough.  But seventy times seven? That's impossible, isn't it Jesus? Why should we even try  to do that?  Why bother?  Why not just wash our hands of them and walk away?

          If you're trapped in a destructive or abusive personal relationship, it may well be necessary to wash your hands of the other person and walk away. But even as we do so, we still need to forgive. Why? Ultimately, it's necessary for us to forgive in order for us to be at peace with our own selves.

          When we forgive someone, it's not really for their sake--it's for our own sake.  You or I  can sit around and lick our wounds, feed our resentment if we want to.  But if we do that, sure as all get out we'll look around one day and discover that while we're home sulking in our five-foot wide spite house, the person we're so ticked off at, is out on the town dancing.

          We may say, "Well, I'll forgive, but I won't forget." That's only kidding ourselves.  To say that is to hold on to resentment as if we somehow think it hurts the other person. It’s like sitting on a bumble bee and refusing to get up because we figure it hurts him worse than it hurts  us.  But the truth is, it doesn't.

          It only hurts us. It burns holes in our stomachs and gives us ulcers. It throbs in our chests and causes heart attacks. It simmers in our heads and gives us migraines. Deep down, I suspect we all know that the only person nurtured resentment ever really hurts is the person who nurtures it. How do we forgive?  Forgive, Accept, Surrender, Thanksgiving—FAST.

          Lord, how many times did you say I had to forgive? Seven? Seventy- seven? Seventy times seven? Seven to the seventy-seventh power? That seems more than hard-- impossible. But it's necessary.  We need to learn to let the past be past. Regret is a destructive emotion that never gives anyone in this world a single moment of peace or joy.

          What profit is it for us to spend time and emotion dwelling on the way things used to be? The past is gone. Much of it may be worth remembering, but we can't live there.  Why allow it to ruin the present and block the future God has in store for us? The foundations of Spite House are always built in the past. 

          The past can complicate our lives beyond imagination. You and I can become immobilized by unfinished business, un-grieved  losses,  unresolved guilt,  unhealed wounds, unsettled grudges, and unforgiven wrongs done to us— or that we have done to others. And sooner or later we’ll  find ourselves with nowhere to turn-- burdened with the crushing weight of days gone by.              

          "Forgive seventy times seven" Jesus replied. Let it go. Forget it. FAST. It’s only when you and I are able to walk away from all that baggage— only when we've learned to truly forgive and know that we have been forgiven— that we can relegate the past to its’ proper place in our lives. 

          It’s only then we can be truly free. Only then can we be reborn into the new and abundant life that Jesus talked about. Only then can we begin to live in, and fully enjoy the present.

          Part of the miracle of forgiveness is the promise of a new beginning. We forgive because after all, the past is past. Only today and tomorrow really count. You and I are called to sow all the good that we possibly can, today. FAST.

          "Lord, how many times should I forgive? As many as seven?" In order to answer Peter's question, Jesus told them the parable of the servant whose employer forgave millions of dollars owed him. But the servant in turn, refused to forgive a relatively minor debt owed him by another servant. Hearing this, the boss was furious. This wicked underling had been forgiven a debt equivalent to more than many lifetime's wages. Yet he would not forgive someone else of a debt that was less than a single day's wage.

          Jesus' point was clear. We are all desperately in need of forgiveness. We are to forgive others. How many times? As many times as it takes. Why? Not only because we need it—but also because our God has so lavishly forgiven us.

Every time you and I pray the Lord’s Prayer we pray for it. “Forgive us—as we forgive others.” Debts, Trespasses, Sins, they’re all covered.

          Have you heard about the man who after being alienated from the church from childhood on, was finally nagged into attending? He walked in the middle of the service at a high Anglican church. The congregation was on their knees praying aloud in the classic prayer of confession, "We have done those things we ought not to have done, and we have left undone those things we ought to have done." "Hey, this is my kind of crowd!" the man declared excitedly.

          And here’s the good news.  It’s not just that we ought to forgive-- it's that we can forgive! The story points to two marvelous gifts that you and I have received from our God. The first is that we are forgiven. And the second is that we are able—you and I have the power-- to forgive!

          When we talk about the Divine Grace that flow down upon us through the Holy Spirit of God, most us  tend to think about being saved from Sin. Or we think about the spiritual gifts of Pentecost-- speaking in tongues, healing, prophesy, etc. Or we think about the birth and teachings and healings and Passion and Resurrection of Jesus-- big, flashy, noisy, dramatic gifts.  But many times we overlook that other time, that quiet moment with his followers and friends when, gently as a summer breeze,  Jesus told them, told us

          “You can forgive.  I give you that power.  You can absolve, you can banish guilt, you can loosen bonds, you can set free. You can forgive in my name, and it will be so.”   Forgive, Accept, Surrender, Thanksgiving—FAST.

          "Lord, how many times should I forgive? As many as seven?" At the time he asked that question, Peter probably didn't think of himself as needing forgiveness. He must have been feeling pretty good about his own spiritual life to have asked Jesus such a question.  Despite his own high opinion of himself, it wasn't to be too terribly long before Peter would find himself denying his Lord not once, but three times.

          "Forgive seventy times seven." I wonder if Peter recalled those blessed  words on that first Good Friday? Imagine the comfort Jesus' words might have been to Peter that cold morning outside the High Priest's house when he heard the rooster crow for the third time.

          Peter was already forgiven for denying his Master at that moment. Now all he had to do was forgive himself!  That took a while—Read Acts 10 for the story. But it happened! How could Peter not--from that moment on—accept every person lovingly, graciously forgive every slight, every wrong, every sin against him?

          Of course, if you and I are so sure that we’ll never hurt or wrong another person, even inadvertently--  if we’re so dead certain that the tables could never possibly turn, if we’re so sure that we’ll never be the ones on our knees, pleading for forgiveness, than maybe we don’t need to forgive anyone ever again.  But just as long as you and I stand in need of forgiveness-- just as long must we be willing to forgive those we name enemies. How many times? As many as it takes!

          Our God can give us the power to let go of those feelings of anger and resentment, today. Our God will empower us to forgive others with full and gracious hearts. Our God will forgive us, even at those times when we can’t even forgive ourselves. We need only ask. And start forgiving!  Let us pray,

          In your love, O Christ, is the wholeness and strength that we need in order to learn to forgive. In your forgiveness, O God, is given us the vision to know that forgiveness and reconciliation is a way of life that can fill us and make us whole. In your presence, Holy Spirit, is the peace that we seek. Help us to forgive, as we have been forgiven.                                                                              Amen.